the forgotten beat of the heart

"you had left me without saying a word. it created wounds in my heart but the time has made it heal. now you're here again but i can no longer feel the same beat as like it used to be. perhaps.. now it has a new beat for you..my friend."

-------------------------------------------------------------

i have tormented my heart for long. now i set it free from the dark past.

i am planning to write a series of blog. to share the stories of my past love and the lessons i learned from it.

ang pag-iwas

Dumating na ba kayo sa point na my umiiwas sa inyo. Tapos yung taong umiiwas sa inyo ay yung taong malapit sa puso mo.

Para saken yung mga umiiwas eh marahil ay naiilang. Pede rin masabi na gusto nila ng space.

Just give them space para makapag-isa.

Pero kahit dumating kayo sa ganun pagakakataon wag nyong iiwan sila, Always be there pag kailangan nila kau.

Remember this "never rush, let things unfold at the right time."

Next time mas mahaba na ang gagawin kong blog.

The First Blog

Hi, everyone. I'm now going to be a blogger. Hope to be my avid reader. Feel free to leave your comments, reactions and suggestions.

my "unplanned manila adventure", a coffee chat w/ toshio

i went to nbi tay2 to get a nbi clearance. sad to say they told me to return tomorrow. it's just around 11am and still have plenty of time. so i decided to go to nbi office that i actually don't know the exact location. i've read at the mrt station the location of the said office. so i ride to the lrt 2 and change train at lrt 1. at lrt 1 i trace the victory central mall and there [UEREKA!!!] i've found it.

that adventure was really fun. it is my first time to be in those places. i saw a Chinese cemetery, located at caloocan. after of that trip i went to antipolo to meet roner.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

i discussed my business idea to roner. i asked him if i still think normal?hhehe... he agreed my ideas and his willing to be part of my team. i still need a lot of research before the launching of this business. i hope it will be launched next month.

after our business talk, we went to Seisha cafe.  i said to him my burn out and my surprise plan to a special friend (yipeee!!! i love surprises). 

i shared to him that i'm preparing myself to risk everything to tell my feelings to my special someone. 

even in my dream i cry and i feel guilty

This morning i've dreamed of vanita's visitation with madison. in my dream, they have visited me in my house. i had a chance to talk with vanita and madison. i told madison that he looks familiar. after a while madison went to the comfort room and i had a chance to talk with vanita. i said "its not your fault, its my fault. i didn't tell you everything that i must have said to you." after saying those words i began to cry. madison went back and i immediately stop. END

i don't know why but i feel some guiltiness inside of me. my heart has been shattered for many times. i feel weak and empty.  i'm so pathetic i love them but i never told them what i really feel for them. damn i feel of leaving the philippines but i still can't do that. until now i am running away to face the reality, i'm a risk taker but i can't risk everything when it comes to love.  that fear is the hindrance of my personal freedom.

i can't run away in this reality. i have prepared myself. i might feel some confusion but i need to tell her what i really feel. i know it is the best thing to do. i'm tired of lying, this time i want to give freedom and honor to myself. i pray that my God guide me and give me the right chances.

memoirs

.... :)

Farewell story part 3 and part 4

Part 3

Isang umaga ay may babaeng dumalaw sa aming tahanan. Kasalukuyan naman akong nasa grocery store dahil naisipan ko kasing magluto ng masarap na sinigang na isa kong specialty. Tumawag  ang mama ko. Isang engineer daw na babae ang dumating sa bahay. Pero di naman nya nabanggit kung ano ang pangalan ng bisita ko.

Sa byahe pauwi. Nasa isip ko na baka ang kaibigan kong si Rennie ang dumating sa bahay. Isa na siguro syang Electrical Engineer. Pag dating ko sa bahay, isang laking gulat ko na inde pala si Rennie ang bisita. Kundi isa pala sa aking bahagi ng nakaraan. Isa na syang ganap na Electronic Communication Engineer. Nagulantang ako sa mga nangyari. Si Mama na lang ang nakapagluto ng sinigang.

Sa may hardin dun kami nag-usap ni Engr. Shane Gutierrez. Isang pagkakataon na nangyari na mag usap kami  ng personal. Malaki na ang pinabago nya. Unang una iba na ang surname nya, samantalang dati nung college ibang iba sya. Hiwalay pala sya sa asawa nya ngayon. Napagkwentuhan lang namin ang mga kasalukuyan lagay ng buhay. Pilit ko namang nililihis ang usapan pag binubuksan nyang pag usapan namin   ang mga di magandang nakaraan.  Di nya natiis at tumaas na ang kanyang boses upang pigilan ako sa paglihis ng mga topic. Nasabi ko na lang sa kanya na “walang kakayahan ang tao na ibalik ang nakaraan at itama ang mga nakaraang pagkakamali.” Sa tagpo na yun ay biglang tumahimik at nakita ko sa kanyang mata ang paglingid ng mga luha. Nabasag ang katahimikan ng my tumawag sa amin upang kaumain na ng hapunan. Bigla naman nyang dinampi ng kanyang panyo ang kanyang mga mata. Sinabi nyang napuwing lang daw sya. Sa sarili ko alam kong dinampian nya ang kanyang luha.

Agad naman kaming pumunta sa dinner area para kumain. Nakipagkwentuhan rin sa kanya si mama. Ang daming tanong ni mama sa kanya kasi kahit noong araw ay di pa nya ito nakita na nakasama ko o naikwento ko man lang.

Pagkatapos ng dinner ay nagpaalam na sya. Inihatid ko naman sya sa kanyang kotse. Nakita ko dun ang isang familiar na stuff toy, naalala ko na regalo ko sa kanya yun dati. Tinawag nya akong “cloud” tawag nya saken noon. Sabi ko inde ako ayun, sinabi ko sa kanya “I’m not cloud. Please call me on my name.” Ngumiti sya nun at inalok nya ko na sana magkaron kami ng time na makapagsimba sabi ko makakabuti kung mag isa na lang sya para maging solemn. Nagpaalam na kami sa isat isa, nagpasalamat na rin ako sa kanyang pagdalaw.

Umalis na si Engr. Shane Gutierrez sakay ng kanyang kotse.        

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Part 4

Ako na ang nagkusang magsara